Post Birthday Thoughts

One day post-birthday and I'm getting ready to play this show tonight. I should be excited, but I'm not. Brian's band is going to be there, theres a good chance a bunch of guys I knew from highschool might be there, it should be a really great night. But since I found my breaking point with work, I feel as if something in me has changed.

Last weekend I was so depressed I was getting sick. And if someone asked why, it made me feel even worse because it seemed an impossibility to put into words an appropriate explaination. I was so angry last weekend, and since then I have calmed down and have cleared my head, but something still lingers there that is pulling me down. If only slightly, I feel less than what I should, and I don't feel happy or content at all.

In my overanalysis of the whole situation I think it is very possible that after a talk with my father, I found myself feeling a notion of being too far behind, from where I should be in my life. Like that quagmire of finishing school set me too far back and while I watch my friends go off and do things with their lives, I have yet to still begin mine. I've still just been sliding by.

I'm making real consolidated efforts to change that. I'm the first to acknowledge that I got lazy after graduation, but I'm getting my applications in order. I'm trying really hard, but as my father said, I need instant gratification. And no matter how much effort I put in lately, I still feel like I've lagged behind where I should be and that I'm such a fuck up.