Partay and Headaches

I think I'm a touch hung over, but suffice it to say the party at Garr's house last night was mucho fun even though Tim bailed leaving Matthew, Garr and myself as the only men towards the end of the night. Many, many drinks and scary movies and cute girls dressed up abounded.

I can't wait for next weekend, as Laura is coming home and that's always a smashingly good time!

PT Test

My written test is complete for St. Louis County and I PWNED it...there I go talking in Leet Speak again. I found out the County Police Academy is up in Wellston, which is the ghetto. Driving there I didn't see a single white person. I mean this is the 'hood and apparently Wellston is considered to be the county...who made that up...

So next saturday I'm going back to take the Agilty test, it's a physical fitness test. I think I can handle it but you never know. It consists of 1.5 mile run, sit-ups and push-ups. I'm not worried about the run or the sit-ups, but push-ups have always been my weaker area. I've been exercising for the past two months jogging 2 miles a day an I've lost aout 25lbs. I feel really good about today with the way I manhandled that test, so lets hope I can pass the PT next week.

Testing...1,2,3

Tommorow I go in for my written test for St. Louis County Police, and November 7th I have written testing for St. Louis City Police. I think I'm ready, although the county didn't give me any study type materials and said there are none. I've been going over the city study material for their written test to prepare myself, I'm assuming they will be tests similar in nature.

If I had my way I would be heading to the lake house to see my sister, since she's there for the weekend with our family and her boyfriend. We had such a good time when she was in town last weekend and the previous weekend for Truman's family weekend as well. But I don't have anyone to watch the dog tommorow night if I went, and sadly I don't think they can get reception of Fox and I really need to watch Game 1 of the World Series.

I am very happy to see the redbirds back to the worl series but I keep scratching my head because of the way they got there...which was barely. The team is made up of some core players who are A list types, like Jimmy Edmonds, Albert Pujols, Scott Rolen, David Eckstein, Scott Speizio and a handful of good pitchers like Chris Carpenter, Jeff Suppan (NLCS MVP) and Jeff "Dream" Weaver. I do however have gripes with Mr. 2nd stringer Juan Encarnacion, who is a favorite of my friend Tim, and Brad Thompson...and the mediocre performances by other players. I tip my hat to So Taguchi who went 4-for-4 with 2 HRs and 4 RBIs against the Mets of New York, which is far more than Juan did for us out in right...I hate Juan...
It doesn't matter much because the Tigers of Detroit are a bunch of bad motherfuckers...and they have Placido and the Mayor...

Being Haunted

Last night I slept deeply and fully, dreaming of Emily yet again. It seems I've dreamed of her a few times over the course of the last month. I don't know why she comes up as the subject of my dreams from time to time, only that she does and it never seems to be a dull experience. I guess she's one of those people who left a lasting impression on me while we were together... no, she definately left a lasting impression on me without a doubt.

I dreampt that I was trying to find her and the phone number I had no longer worked. As it happened I was walking down the street, a street not unlike the Delmar Loop, when I passed a familiar face. It was TJ, a guy whom Emily had dated before me and eventually left him and started dating me. He made a wisecracking comment and I, being the bigger man, just asked how he'd been all these years. He said fine and asked what I was doing, which I explained I was trying to figure out how to get ahold of Emily. He then gave me a number to call, upon hearing it I asked how he had a working number. At this point the dream became something of a mystery and it seemed I was the only one left out of the loop, waiting for the big reveal to find out what was going on.

He said to just follow him because he knew where she was, so I did. I followed him to her apartment, to find her with a kid, his kid. It came to my realization as I saw the smirking look on his face that after Emily and I broke up she went back to him and they had a lengthy relationship ending with a kid... and somehow I didn't know, not like I had any reason to know, but it was still such a shock. Thats where the dream ended, with the big reveal. Now I know in reality this didn't happen, she left me for a guy she worked with, then left him for a guy she had been friends with since highschool and now they are married.

Doesn't change the fact that the last time I spoke to her (in real life) she said that of all her lovers, she felt I was the one she hurt the most and was sometimes plagued with dreams of her begging for my forgiveness only to be turned away and ultimately feeling like something less than herself because I wouldn't forgive her. The irony is that all the time after our breakup I felt like I was the one who owed her the apology and should be asking for forgiveness. Its a strange strange world and I wonder why things like this happen.

Family Weekend

I just got home from Family Weekend at Truman and I'm sorry to see it gone so soon. It was so much fun, spending the weekend with my sister and our family. We walked around the town square where local merchants set up tents in the streets, selling their wares. Local vendors were selling fruit and vegetables from their farms and the square was packed with people walking, conversing, socializing. Dad and I went to the Dukum Inn for beers and to watch the baseball game.

It was a great afternoon that was followed by going to Thousand Hills for lunch at the lodge. After lunch Laura and I took a canoe out on the lake just like last year. We also caught the volleyball game on friday night and then saturday night we saw "Mad Chad," the chainsaw juggling comedian... and he was actually kinda funny.

I was sad to have to come home today and leave this weekend of wonderful memories behind, but in only 4 short days Laura is coming home on thursday night for the weekend. So I'm looking foreward to seeing her again this week.

Introspection where you least expect it

Last night while I was lying in bed watching Oz the subject of forgiveness seemed to be key. In the last place I expected to find something the least bit stirring, the point was made that the hardest person to forgive, is yourself. The truly genuine apology and acceptence by someone else is an easy matter of your own realization that you were wrong, your acknowledgement followed by your appeal for forgiveness. When someone sees the honesty of that statement, they would more than likely appeal to its sincerity.

But asking yourself for forgiveness is nearly impossible, because you hold yourself to the highest standard, above everyone else. Now matter how sincere you know your own intentions to be it is the most difficult thing to do, to allow yourself to be forgiven, by yourself. And it is true that you may take that grudge against yourself to the grave. You might find yourself burying it under years of memories, and fond ones at that, but in the end you still know that dissappointment all too well and cannot seem to find the reason to let it go because of how you pine over every last detail as if it were something of great significance. When in truth the matter is only of great importance to you, and you can never see that because you're always stuck in your own shadow.